This past weekend I took a trip back to Ottawa to attend Algonquin College‘s photography Exhibition. I was flooded with so much nostalgia and amazement at how it has been an entire year since I was in the position this year’s graduates are. I am so incredibly proud of all of them. There was so much incredible talent showcased and it was humbling to see the growth of the graduates.
It’s fascinating to go back to a place that was once home and feel both at peace and out of place. I had such a magical weekend and going back to my old school and seeing familiar faces transported me.
Next week marks when I started this project, and in turn, the end.But for now I’d like to keep my words few.
The reason death sticks so closely to life isn’t biological necessity — it’s envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud.
A few weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of myself in the tinted reflection of the subway windows on my way home from work. I looked at myself and saw an ancient echo. My eyes were lacking luster, dragged down by unflattering shadows creeping into fine lines at mouth corners and pockets under the eyes. I hardly recognized myself and thought how can I feel so ancient. I started seeing it in other peoples faces too, the quiet places they go while being jostled along the transit line.
I started to feel a part of a flow, a routine, that after a while took barely any thought at all. The fright of underground trains, intersecting streetcar lines and barrelling busses was a nonevent now. All these motions became engrained in the memory of my muscles.
Wake up. Shower. Get dressed. Eat. Pack lunch. Lock door. Walk to bus stop. Flash card. Hold rail. Exit. Down two flights. Westbound train. Next stop. Next stop. Next stop…
I couldn’t believe the ways I had adapted. I soon started to realize how easily one could fall into this monotony.
That scared me more than anything else.
It’s simple things that prevent that. Things like noticing the peaceful features of the woman slumped asleep in the corner seat. Following the lines of dirt settled in the hands of a hard working man as his giant fingers flip the delicate pages of his book. The swish of a child’s ponytail. Stay aware of all the secret moments around you, they are often wonderfully rewarding.
WEEK 47
This whole idea of getting lost in the rat race of everything around me lead me to create the “Absent Minded” mini series which illustrated the mindlessness associated with getting trapped in routine.
This is a post I have waited a long time to make. Maybe it’s because it involves reliving all the speed bumps and set backs affiliated with this project, or maybe because I knew that making this post about it would be the final step and bring it to a close.
Either way, let me tell you the story of the (insert expletive here) boxes.
When I graduated college around this time a year ago, I was just finishing up my co-op placement in Toronto and was going to be heading home to Newfoundland for the summer. I left Ontario so excited for the future with plans laid down to move back to Toronto to pursue my dreams full fledged in the fall.
While home I began brainstorming ways to get in touch with photographers and studios in Toronto to get work in my field. I knew I had to do something completely off the wall and push myself creatively. After endless hours of research, I kept coming back to this incredibly inspiring idea by Clint Davis. I loved the idea of a box, a package, a present. So I ran with it.
One of the biggest driving factors in my work is the simple act of embracing a feeling. Embracing the heartache, the happiness, the perseverance and the things that make you, you. I could think of no better way to demonstrate who I was as a person to perspective employers than to hang myself upside down in a my shed by my ankles.
A few months ago, I posted this behind the scenes video:
This shoot was quite possibly one of the more hysterically funny shoots of my life. With the aid of my parents hoisting me upside down, I frantically tried to pose while the self timer clicked away. Just as a side note, when blood starts rushing to your head, everything is hilarious.
The resulting image was the beginning of what was about to be a much more involved process than I ever imagined.
The premise of my idea was simple: I was here to help and wasn’t afraid of doing some crazy things.
I was going to create a set of boxes that opened portrait style with the above photo on the inside. The front of the box was going to say “You Will Do Anything For The Shot” and the inside would read “Let Me Help You”.The box would contain a handful of things like a mini portfolio of my work and a resume.
Pretty simple stuff.
I had no idea the challenge it would be to create the most basic foundation of this idea. The (insert expletive here) boxes.
I looked up all kinds of shipping websites and postal services and box-making-businesses and it was seemingly impossible to find a manufacturer who made a box that opened in a portrait rather than landscape style to the dimensions I required. It took me a while to accept the fact that I would have to custom make these boxes myself. Designing the template for the boxes was tedious as it had to accomodate 5×7 images, as well as an 8.5×11 resume, and the inside panel with the image attached to it.
The boxes then had to be spray painted black with three coats on the inside and outside to give it a polished look. From there, the outside of the boxes had to be painted with the words You Will Do Anything For The Shot. I anticipated being able to make a stencil with a Cuttlebug, however the dimensions of the box did not match up with what was available for the machine we had. Which meant the lettering also had to be manually cut out. The letters were too close together to be able to simply paint over the stencil, so each letter had to be traced and painted in by hand. The mini portfolios were mounted to provide stability and a quarter inch border. The final touch was a small bottle of hand sanitizer with the quote The future belongs to the few of us still willing to get our hands dirty on it.
You know when you have an idea that you know is going to take for-freaking-ever but you don’t care because you’re so excited about it, it’s worth it? That is most certainly what was in the case with my resume. I decided to do a photoshop-style resume with every panel and tool in photoshop representing an element of my qualifications.
It went through a few drafts..
Due to time restraints and problems with printing, I was unable to use it in the boxes. But good gracious, what a learning experience.
Every element affiliated with this idea had it’s own set of hurdles, but at the end of the day after all the sweat, blood and tears alike shed over these little cardboard messengers, I am still proud I saw them to the end.
The boxes may be one of the more bittersweet projects I decided to do. 8 months after the beginning of taking on this idea, they were sent, and I moved to Toronto. I’m still trying every day to figure out where all these things in my life are leading. Sometimes it feels like I’m stalled out on the side of the road, but then there are mornings like today, where I can’t sleep in even if I wanted to because there are so many wonderful things in the world to pursue, to dream of and to work towards.
After all,
*** I would like to note that I would never have gotten anywhere near the end of this project without the infallible support and help from my amazing, amazing parents.
This is an equally exciting and terrifying experience. I’ve been in this space for a week, yet it somehow feels like a lot longer. I count this as a good thing. It’s wonderful to finally have a place that feels truly my own. What better way to break a place in than making a mess? Oh yes. Welcome to week 45.
I’ve come to find that a huge part of my work is based off of this idea of struggle and the fight through it. To illustrate this I very often have water as an element. I’ve had water in at least 8 of my 52 week images to date, and this theme is most specifically shown in week 17 & 43. Not hard to tell I’m from an island.
In any pursuit of the heart you have your moments of doubt, moments when the leap seams too far to ever reach the arms waiting on the other end to catch you. Sometimes that reaching comes with a lot of droplets of apprehension, a few cups of self-doubt and a sprinkle of cold reality.
That’s okay.
Keep going.
If You Fall
Reach for the stars so if you fall you land on a cloud
There has been such an influx of change in my life these past two months. I am in a new city scrambling at every turn to try to get the hang of this whole concept of real life. Most days I feel like a child lost in a department store, awkwardly stumbling through the hoops with vicious scrapes on my knees. In all this chaos and skype-conversations-turned-meltdowns, I do find reassurance in the greenness I feel deep inside me. I am learning. Maybe my grown up limbs havent caught up with the world rushing on around me, and perhaps my soul feels like a loose baby tooth, but I know I will grow into the new skin I have donned. I will grow. Though I dare you to ask me if I still feel the same when I’m up to my glazed over eyeballs in figuring out taxes. Have mercy.
Have you ever started doing something you really enjoy, then for one reason or another, stop? Maybe it was self doubt, maybe it was just life’s age old habit of getting in the way. Whatever the case may be, this thing that you semi-enjoyed partaking in is left in the dust as you stumble on through life, only to be filled with guilt when you think of it. Then you look at all these other people around you doing these things that you used to enjoy. Not only that, they’re doing them so much better than you. Which really, just makes you feel even guiltier and even less inclined to pick it back up.
Oh what’s the point, I’m never going to be as good as x. That could have been me, why wasn’t that me?
Here’s the funny thing; if you hadn’t given up, it could have been. It doesn’t really make any difference how many times you fall off the wagon of something that makes you happy, there is no shame in getting back on.
* Just make sure it’s not this wagon
I feel like it’s human nature to compare yourself and your progress to other peoples, and it can be such a destructive habit. Whenever I’m trying something new, or feeling stagnant and uninspired, I tend to fall into that. The thing is, this can actually be such an incredibly healthy exercise if you turn the comparison onto yourself. Are you closer to your goal than you were a year ago? If so, good! If not, you’re the only one who can change that. Let the people you look up to inspire you, not discourage you. There is so much world out there, and we all have our place. There’s no need to cut down other people.
All of what I’m trying to say can be summed up in this simple and perfect flow chart:
All these people around you that are doing so much “better” than you started in the same place as you are, as you have been, and it has not been a breeze for them to get where they are. I think my favorite thing about following other people’s work is the option to go back to see their growth. So, maybe I won’t be a marathon winner or a youtube guru or a cake boss, but I will pick these things back up because I enjoy them. And who knows, maybe I will be.
This week was actually a huge experiment for me. I was using some basic techniques I practice all the time, but I tried combining them in a new way I had never really thought to before. I have to say, this is the kind of image that really excites me, simply because I tried something that didn’t feel safe or foolproof. I tried something that could go disastrously wrong.
Here’s a little behind the scenes snippet of trying to construct a loveable moon out of foam-core, tape and a give ‘em hell attitude.
Let me start by granting you some wisdom passed down to me from the voice of a generation, Kevin Gnapoor.
If you take one thing from the movie Mean Girls (unlikely), let it be this. My man Kev makes a very valid point. Do not let anyone convince you that you do not deserve the good things you have in your life. You have them for a reason.
This week’s image is comprised of two hemispheres, haters and humor.
The above quote demonstrates both points so eloquently, which makes it so memorable.
I’ve struggled with the idea that my work can be funny and still have merit. It’s almost as though for your work to be taken seriously, you must also take yourself very seriously. The idea that you can’t make work that will stand any test of time if it isn’t sad. Sadness is easy, almost natural. Why can’t an image be strong and make you happy?
I have been wanting to photograph my roommate and incredible friend, Josh, for ages. I could never pin down how I wanted to shoot him that would be the truest representation of him as a person. That is, until this week. Let me give you some background on this kid. Josh is the kind of person that will come into a room and it will brighten. He has a heart on him as golden as a sunrise. He has faced the kind of obstacles that make my head spin to even think about. Not only that, but he faces them with a consistent joie de vie that is a rare and magical thing to come across. He also encourages my ever growing wig collection. That is always a plus.
A touch of behind the scenes shenanigans:
Little Light of Mine
The only thing that deciding if the light inside you will burn out is you. Take it face on, kid. And don’t let the haters stop you from doin’ yo thang.
You know when you are having so much fun and have something that gives you so much joy that the thought of it ending, the inevitable end, forms this iron fist in your stomach that clenches and pulls you down from the inside? I am guilty of that, and am working to teach myself that just because it may end does not mean it has to make me less happy. After all,
I could easily kick out a novel length description of the things this 52 week project has taught me, and the ways it has consumed me the past nine and a half months (holy crap), but that’s a bag of nonsense that you may be subject to endure in 10 weeks time.
But for now, I have to tell you about my Saturday.
My roommate and I were adventuring around downtown Toronto, when he asked me if I had ever been to the Royal Ontario Museum. I had not. Spontaneity and dinosaurs played a huge role in us deciding to check it out.
THERE WAS AN ENTIRE EXHIBIT ON DINOSAURS YOU GUYS OKAY
This is the most sane smile I could manage in the elevators on the way to see DINO BONES. I am 99.99384% sure that I was more excited than every single child in that museum for this.
The only other gallery-museum-exhibit-type thing I have ever been to is the National Gallery of Canada, where taking photos is not permitted. I was out of my mind excited at the prospect of being able to take photographs in the ROM, and will most certainly be returning. OH YEAH THAT’S A T-REX.
This week’s photo is inspired by not only all of the incredible invisible man photos I’ve seen (a technique I’ve been wanting to try for quite some time now), but also one of my all time favorite musicians.
I’ve been trying to extract a single phrase from this song to source as inspiration but it’s truly the song in it’s entirety. That it’s okay to feel lonely.
It was nice to be able to spend my day taking my time setting up these shots. Especially when I realized halfway through I was shooting in the wrong format.
That’s how jpeg made me feel.
Luckily I got my bearings and was able to kick out an image that doesn’t mind if you’re having a bad face day.
Disappearing Act
Oh ps
I spent the past week updating my website. If that interests you at all give ‘er a once over here. How fun!
I am entering my third week living in the big city. I’m trying to harness all the good things about this place as I transition and inevitably go through withdrawals of home (as evident by the fact I am sitting curled up wearing every article of clothing that feels like home to me. I am very warm right now). There are so many interesting people here. Beautiful people, sure, but also those with stories splayed across their faces. There are a million magical moments you catch but a glimpse of as your streetcar crawls steadily along. A man with snow white hair looking pensively out the window of his barber shop, the small smile that lays gently on the lips of a blind woman as her seeing eye dog rests his head on her lap, the quick kiss of lovers as they part ways on the subway. Always new crannies and nooks to nestle into, tall buildings to shield you and streets to disappear into. There’s something very romantic about the anonymity, a comforting loneliness. Everyday there are new strangers to fall in love with.
Speaking of falling in love with strangers, I have a very bad habit of doing so. Especially with internet personalities. I have an entire roster of photographers, musicians, artists and just freaking rad people whose work I follow regularly.
One youtuber whose videos I creep I’ve been following for a while, Meekakitty, actually has two specific videos that feel very relevant not only to where I am, but also a lot of people around me.
This swell gal sums it up pretty perfectly. There is this pressure that has seeded itself very deep within us whose roots seem to spell out that if we do not accomplish something by a certain age we will lose relevance, and that we only have so much to give, so many ideas in that idea jar. But that is just not true, and certainly a lesson I’m still trying to teach myself.
The whole idea that you have to be married by 24 and have kids by 26 is garbage.
Create and keep creating. There will always be things to inspire you, there will always be things worth saying, and if you run out, remember how precious silence is.
BAM.
It’s safe to say that it matters not when you decide to go out and do something, it will always be the coldest day of the week when you do. Case in point: this week. If you can shoot in the cold, you can shoot anywhere. I had a wonderful team of pals helping me out this week who endured the -18C weather for shenanigans.
——
Pinned Wing
* I am sincerely sorry for my absence and delay on getting these posts up on a weekly basis. I promise to push myself harder to stay on schedule. Much, much love.
I had no intention of neglecting these posts as long as I have, but my life has gone through a couple changes since last we spoke. Which means this post is going to be a long one.
For one, I have moved to the thriving metropolis of Toronto. It’s big here. Really big. There is no ladylike way of describing what the packing process felt like.
Don’t worry, I remembered to pack my wigs
The first week made me wonder if I really belonged here, if I had made a huge mistake. I’m happy to report the second week feels differently.
So far I have:
mastered the idea of west, east, north and south (trust me, that’s a big deal)
realized that as romantic as it is, it is not practical to buy 4$ apple ciders and sit in the cozy corner of a coffee shop as frequently as I want to
had the opportunity to be on set of a pretty cool shoot
realized that real life is scary as hell, but you can do it
when cheese is on sale, you buy LOTS
It’s a big city, and even though it feels like starting to try to build something from scratch all over again, I hope that means big ideas can flourish.
Week 38
Week 38 gave me the chance to photograph one of my dearest friends, and first girl I ever really shot, Amanda. Her hair has been long as long as I have known her, and it was fun to take this atribute of her and exaggerate it.
Week 39
This was my final week in Newfoundland, and to commemorate I had one last shoot in the vast backwood of Heart’s Content. (Alright, this was a baseball field but, same difference). The wind was so bitter, my fingers actually froze to the metal of the flashlight at one point. Typical. I had an image in my head of exactly how this would turn out, and while it flopped flat in my face, I still learned a lot and would like to try it again someday.
Week 40
This past weekend was spent with another one of my dearest friends, Colin. He has incidentally shown up in my 52 weeks twice before on week 14 and week 31, and now again in week 40. This series of photos was shot on the balcony of my current apartment where there is literally 3 feet of walking space as the rest is taken up with storage. As usual, we were very serious.
I have fifteen weeks remaining of this project. Fifteen. That is something I can hardly wrap my mind around. There are some huge changes going on in my life right now, and I’m going to do all I can to find a way to not let it compromise this project, because it has become a very big part of my life and one of my most central focuses for the past nine months. I’m about to take some huge steps that scare the ever loving mercy out of me, but is high time I take. I’ve noticed that a lot of my work focuses on struggle, and I find that interesting. I think that when you begin to truly invest yourself in whatever craft your heart yearns for, it becomes a diary of sorts, whether you realize it or not. At times it can be difficult to truly evaluate yourself, and maybe that’s the reason creating is so important. To help yourself so you can help others.
Week 36
Week 36 I had actually been planning on recreating an image I had done a few years ago. I had even shot it but was not satisfied. While I may return to it and reveal it, for this week I decided to reshoot a different concept. Not hard to tell I’ve watched a bit of Lord of The Rings lately.
Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light
- Yogi Bhajan
Week 37
This week I got to spend a wonderful afternoon with a delightful girl named Victoria. This is what resulted.
A really huge driving force of inspiration the past while for me has been paintings. There is something so untouchable about them, an inexplicable eeriness. Specifically, the incredible portrait work of Lu Cong.
